


i know you're looking for direction

by MyLittleBirdFlies



Series: overwhelm them with my honesty [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bullying, Creativity Split (Sanders Sides), Gen, Post-Creativity Split (Sanders Sides), Religious Discussion, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, for now since this is a series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:29:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25319101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyLittleBirdFlies/pseuds/MyLittleBirdFlies
Summary: "Over the time Janus had been in the mindscape, he had learned several things. The main, and most important thing, was that the mindscape affected the sides as much as they did."Wherein we witness the changes of all of the sides, including the event where one side became two.(Alternatively, Janus goes to the 'dark' side, five years after forming.)
Series: overwhelm them with my honesty [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779883
Kudos: 6





	i know you're looking for direction

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Quick heads up: this takes place around 5 years after Bluff.
> 
> The reason for this time skip? I wanted to write angst. That's it. 
> 
> I wanted to try writing in complete chronological order, but I just couldn't find to motivation to write doing that. (Besides, the more time skips I do, the closer I am to being able to write Virgil. So, I kinda had to.)
> 
> ALSO! I want to make this clear: While some sides in this definitely do things that I do not agree with, it was not my intention to write them as anything other than complex beings with flaws. That being said, if the sides doing anything you could see as 'unsympathetic' is hard to read, please look over the CW.
> 
> Title from: Denial by The Vaccines
> 
> Alternative title: the author is wondering how every time they write it sounds like it was written by a different person
> 
> CW: Bullying, Religious Discussion, Death Threats
> 
> Detailed CW in End Notes

_ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.  _ **_John 1:13-15_ **

* * *

_ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone;  _

When Janus suggested Thomas fake-sick to avoid going to school, he should’ve had the foresight to realize that it wasn’t going to be a quick discussion. Surely past examples of this exact situation would’ve told him that this discussion was, in fact, never quick, and one that was hard to win.

“-get that this is your way of trying to help, but wouldn’t it be easier to just talk to him?” Feelings, of course, had made his mind up on what side he was on. Recently, he had become more and more adamant that the anti-bullying presentation at school was the perfect guide to helping Thomas. Sat around the dining table in the Commons, sans Creativity, Janus felt inclined to disagree.

“Why, sure, let’s talk to him. I’m sure he’ll let Thomas speak right before tripping him at recess.” While the sarcasm was probably too harsh, there was only so long before the bus would arrive to take Thomas to school, and he was running out of time. Caleb was not a nine-year old who was open to reasoning, if his past behavior was anything to go by.

Logic nodded. “Self Preservation has a point. I sincerely doubt Caleb would allow Thomas to explain his perspective without antagonizing him first.”

That was something new. Since Curiosity became Logic, Janus had relished in the fact that someone supported his goals. It wasn’t because Logic actually agreed with him, but it was more of sharing an objective standpoint with someone, even if the end goals were not the same. 

“I’m sure if we just tell him that what he does makes Thomas feel bad, he’ll understand!” Feelings said, smile never wavering. Nevermind the fact that simply informing someone that you upset them was not one of Feelings strong suits. 

“And I’m telling you: it won’t. Caleb is going to hurt him whether or not we talk to him. Thomas needs to stay home,” Janus said, glancing over to Logic in search of support.

“While it is true that Thomas would not be able to have a civil discussion with Caleb, I don’t think staying home is the correct decision. Thomas has been told by numerous adults to tell someone responsible when you are being bullied,” Logic stated. And there was Logic’s end goal: telling someone. Why couldn’t they  _ understand _ ? 

“No, we can’t-” Janus was cut off by a voice booming throughout the mindscape.

_ “Thomas, the bus is here!” _

He was out of time.

* * *

_ but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.  _

Janus didn’t hang around that long afterwards. Why would he, if only to see his failure play out through Thomas’ eyes? 

The mindscape had been different recently. Too different.

Maybe it started when Curiosity became Logic. It was gradual at first-- Curiosity asking less questions on things that weren’t relevant, but still making connections and collecting more knowledge. His thought process was less chaotic, instead favoring a methodical approach. A few weeks later, Curiosity asked to be called Logic, and that was that.

But it wasn’t. Of course not. Because a month later, Janus had begun to feel the same way. Not  _ exactly _ the same, but close enough to know what was happening.

There was more emphasis on the lying part of his duties. He was less inclined to tell the truth, more prepared to deceive to protect Thomas, even over small things.

He hadn’t told anyone.

It was less subtle than Logic’s, definitely. Curiosity became Logic because of Thomas’ schooling environment, and Curiosity and Logic, while somewhat different, still had enough overlap for the shift to make sense. The change from Self Preservation to Deceit had a few similarities, but not enough for Janus to understand it. 

Since he couldn’t understand the actual change, he had tried understanding what caused it. He had a few guesses. Unfortunately, most of them included Feelings.

Thomas was a child, of course he was more inclined to listen to his emotions than any other side. But recently, that wasn’t all. Feelings was less focused on what Thomas was feeling, and rather on  _ rights _ and  _ wrongs _ . With the new attention given to morals, it was only a matter of time before ‘Thou shalt not lie’ was adopted with ferocity. 

And personally,  _ Deceit _ wasn’t ready.

This wasn’t the same mindscape Janus had formed in. 

Walking down the hall away from the Commons, Janus’ face itched. Too caught up in his thoughts, he didn’t even bother to take care of it. He also didn’t bother to respond to the calls of his old job title echoing down the corridor.

  
In the distance, he saw Creativity’s door. Another change. Creativity had neglected to show up that morning for breakfast. And the day before that. And the day before that. Feelings was suitably worried, while Logic tried to convince him that creativity would come back in his own time. As for Janus… ‘in his own time’ was taking too long. 

Lately Creativity had been strange: his ideas banked less on a combination of serious and fantastical elements and instead leaned one way or the other. It wasn’t uncommon for him to tell a tale of a heroic knight in the morning and at lunch regale the story of a kraken brutally crushing a ship full of sailors.

He paused in front of Creativity’s door, hand poised to knock. This wasn’t the same mindscape he had formed in, sure. But, he still had one side he knew wouldn’t mind hearing about his frustration.

* * *

_ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;  _

Creativity’s room was a disaster. 

After knocking several times, he received no response. Janus, fairly familiar at this point with Creativity’s jovial replies to someone at his door, decided to let himself in. 

The sheets were torn off the bed, hanging in a heap on the floor. The broadway-esque mirror was scratched and in the reflection Janus could see his own stunned face. The floor was covered with different clothes, each of them in their own state of disrepair--as if someone had been so unhappy with the garments, they were torn right off.

The main attraction was the closet door.

Creativity had access to the imagination--a realm full of all of Thomas’ hopes and dreams, which was almost completely controlled by Creativity. There were two ways to get there, according to Logic: Creativity’s room, or the subconscious. Of course, the harder way was through the subconscious, due to its shifting nature, so it was much easier to request entry to Creativity’s domain.

Not that Janus had tried. He wasn’t sure why, but a land full of daydreams, nothing to tie you to the truth-- worried him. 

The door was flung open, showing rolling green fields beyond. But the pristine white marble that had once surrounded this entryway was now cracked and chipped.

Janus wasn’t sure what could've caused that, other than Creativity  _ wishing _ the cracks to appear. However, Creativity didn't seem the type.

Against his better judgment, he stepped through the doorway.

The moment the soles of his shoes touched the grass, he could hear the birds chirping and feel the wind blowing on his face. 

Now that he could hear the sounds within the imagination, Janus could hear something new. Something that concerned him beyond not seeing Creativity for a few days. 

A deafening sound, joined by earth-shattering rumbles that had him struggling to find balance. He stumbled, hands flying out to his sides to help him stay upright. He huffed for a few seconds after the movement passed.

“What was that?” came a voice from behind him. Spinning around, Janus’ concern turned into annoyance. Then guilt at feeling that way, then annoyance again. 

Feelings stood a few feet away, perched right at the door to the imagination, his face confused.

Had Janus known, he wasn’t sure he would have told him. But Janus didn’t know, and all he seemed to be was at a loss for words.

He shook his head, hoping that was answer enough, and began to speed walk towards where the sound came from. Creativity was known for his dramatics, it was sure to have come from him.

“Self Preservation?” Feelings asked, trailing behind him at the same brisk pace.

“Yes?” Janus asked, voice terse. That was new. He didn’t think he had ever used that tone with Feelings before.

“Are you alright? You left kinda quickly and-” He was cut off by another sound in the distance.

A cackling laughter filled the air, the noise coming from the top of the nearest hill. It didn’t sound like a figment-- Creativity hadn’t perfected the ability to make the figments sound  _ that  _ human yet.

Feelings didn’t seem inclined to finish his question and sprinted up the rest of the hill, and after hesitating just a moment, Janus joined him.

* * *

_ and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. _

The top of the hill was covered in a large puddle of black sludge, two figures standing in the middle.

One figure looked as if he was trying to get up, the sludge making his movements feel heavy. The other stood above him, cackling every so often, a wild look in his eye.

And they both-

The two noticed Feelings and Janus, their heads turning toward them.

They both looked like Thomas, the only difference being that one had a grey streak running through his hair. Janus stepped back, overcome with a strong feeling of  _ wrong _ . 

Feelings recovered quickly. “Hey, friend-o’s! Are you new sides?”

Janus tuned out of the conversation, directing his attention to the rest of this situation. The primary fact that sides formed in their rooms stood out (Sans him, of course, but Logic did say that it was an anomaly and would likely not happen again.). The next fact that came to mind was that there were  _ two _ . Sides didn’t usually come in pairs.

Janus couldn’t even begin to think of why the imagination would've shook when the two sides said in unison, “I’m Creativity!”

“You can’t both be Creativity, silly! Besides, we already have a Creativity, and three Creativity’s would be crazy!” 

Janus looked over the two sides. They were both standing now, the one with a grey streak fidgeting with his fingers. The other, outfit covered in sludge, had his hands on his hips, with a glint in his eyes as he spoke with Feelings.

Over the time Janus had been in the mindscape, he had learned several things. The main, and most important thing, was that the mindscape affected the sides as much as they did.

Should one of the sides begin thinking a certain way, the mindscape would adopt it, sometimes enhancing those thoughts, changing the rest of the sides with it. Usually it was minor, like when Logic began to research different types of living spaces for a school project, and a week later the Commons had changed.

But, now it seemed like it also applied to bigger things. Years of being told certain things were ‘wrong’ to think, years of Creativity’s darker ideas being shot down, and most recently Feelings focus on good and bad: it seemed that the mindscape had caught on.

Looking closely, he could see the resemblance. 

Creativity was nowhere to be seen, and in his place were two sides that seemed so much like him, but so different.

What other conclusion was he supposed to come to?

With the look on Feelings’ face, it seemed he had come to the same conclusion. Janus’ face burned. 

The side with the grey streak stalked forward, not seeming to be slowed by the sludge at all. “I agree! Three’s a crowd. But, now that you mention it, two  _ does _ seem like a lot of Creativitys…” His voice sounded like sandpaper and his grin was like a shark about to get his prey. His hand flexed, and in it appeared a brutal mace. Attention shifted, he began to walk towards the other side.

Weapon raised, he poised himself to strike, the other trying in vain to get out of the ooze. Janus watched, frozen, as the mace began its descent.

Then Feelings yelled, and the mindscape reacted.

“ _ No _ !” 

The sludge surged upwards, removing itself from the other side, completely encasing the grey streaked one. Feelings rushed forward to check over the side as the other Creativity began to be dragged away, the sludge rushing down the hill. The black muck traveled far, then spread out, and within seconds Janus saw half of the mindscape lose its lively colors, a crisp line dividing the two.

He couldn’t even see the other Creativity at this distance.

Feelings finally concluded that the side wasn’t hurt, then stood to take in the new landscape.

“We should get out of here,” Feelings said, voice full of an emotion Janus couldn’t identify.

Janus, with half-processed thoughts, began walking. He made it to the bottom of the hill before Feelings came after him.

“Are you okay?” 

He didn’t know.

He kept walking, Feelings continually asking various questions, all left unanswered.

He was a few feet from the line that now divided the imagination before Feelings grabbed his arm, stopping his movement. He didn’t turn around, but he felt Feelings’ eyes darting all over his form, trying to find answers.

He didn’t know if he had all of them. What was he doing? Why couldn’t he seem to turn around? Why was he afraid to look at him?

It felt so gradual, like he hadn't even noticed the change until now. But it also felt so sudden, like he could remember pillow fights with him just yesterday. When had his adoration and affection for Feelings turned to apprehension and bitterness? When had he finally lost hope in the side with him?

“Self Preservation?” Feelings chirped, several questions layered into one.  _ Where are you going? Why did you leave? _

Why did he leave?

Janus had spent so long worrying over Feelings’ reaction to his function. He had spent so long ignoring that just for the sake of staying a ‘family’. How many nights had he spent awake after becoming Deceit, just wondering how the others would take the news? How many hours had he spent wondering when the other foot would drop, wondering when Feelings’ job would officially be against lying?

Janus had suspected that his new duties as Deceit came from Feelings' sentiments about lying. Now, knowing Creativity had already been subject to Feelings’ influence on the mindscape, paying the price of  _ not existing _ anymore-- 

Feelings was too keen on leaving a side in the imagination, alone. 

Was this what he wanted?

If this is what happened to sides that didn’t fit the ideal mold, what would happen to him?

He eyed the line dividing the mindscape again. The other Creativity was gone, nowhere to be seen.

If he was going to be cast away eventually, he wanted it on his own terms.

“It’s Deceit,” he said, tugging his arm away, his foot crossing the line.

“What? Self Pr- uh, Deceit, what are you-”

He turned on his heel, glancing at Feelings one last time. Instead of the bitterness his chest had been full of, all Janus could manage was a look of profound sadness.

“Goodbye, Feelings.”

He stepped into the darkness.

* * *

_ In the dark, hazy gloom, two sides meet. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> A quick thank you to arealsword's 'Pick a Side' for introducing me to virtue ethics, which is basically what 'What would Jesus do?'. I legit spent 10 minutes searching through the TSS Transcripts because I thought the fic they wrote was canon.
> 
> I might rewrite this sometime in the future, but I reached to point of needing to get it out in the world or it would've just stayed a WIP.
> 
> CW: Mentions of a kid bullying Thomas (specifically tripping, although more is implied), minor discussion of religion via dialogue, virtue ethics (WWJD); using religion to compare Janus' turn to the 'dark' side to sin; basing morals on religion, specifically 'Thou shall not lie'; death threats (Remus);
> 
> My tumblr, if you want to scream into the void with me: @ksfoxsoxs


End file.
